I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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