but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I wear drunk well.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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