Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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