I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
