is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
