Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
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