Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
