Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
