OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
