dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
