Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
