it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
