I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
