I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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