My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
