so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
