I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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