Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
