He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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