Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
