I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
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I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
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Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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