No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
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