If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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