Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
