I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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