Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
