I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
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