i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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