just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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