Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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