it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Randomize
