as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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