My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
