Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
