it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
