My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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