Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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