The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize