Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
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For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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