A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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