Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize