Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
