I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
