Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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