I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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