So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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