I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
