Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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