I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
