I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just blew my weed a kiss
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
