Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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