I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
