So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Holy sore nipples Batman
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Randomize
