Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
it was like having sex with a tree stump
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
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